You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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