I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
