I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
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the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to calm my uterus...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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