So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
