1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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