from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
