and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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