Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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