Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
