if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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