do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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