textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
