I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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