if i can run in heels then i can drive
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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