I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
