Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
