She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
