I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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