if you like me you must not know who I am
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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