im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
