My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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