Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
