please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
