Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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