There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
