mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
