just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
