He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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