I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
