does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
