paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i've created a new STD.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
