her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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