remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
