Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
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just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize