u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
