sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sobbing to NWA
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
