If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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