i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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