the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize