Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
