I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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