then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
