Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
