11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
