I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
