John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
