his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
