I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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