Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
