Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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