i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
