My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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