the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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