Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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