2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
