so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
